A hand to help you up the mountain

Too many people think that the idea of marriage is to affirm that you have found a ‘soulmate,’ someone who ‘completes’ you. It’s unfortunate that this is the expectation that so many people have when entering marriage because it immediately sets the marriage up for failure. Inevitably, the person who is seeking completeness through their marriage will expect their partner to somehow empower them to do all the things they consider necessary to become a whole person and when that partner fails to live up to these impossible expectations the marriage will go bad. True self-awareness and a sense of wholeness can only come from within. Other people can help you in your search: teachers, spiritual leaders, your spouse, but only you have the ability to change who you are in order to make yourself whole. A marriage to someone you love can certainly help you achieve a greater level of wholeness but only because your love for your spouse drives you to better yourself, not because the other person brings your missing parts to the table. Anyone who believes that a marriage will compensate for shortcomings in their lives needs to reevaluate exactly what they feel their marriage is supposed to solve. Unfortunately, most people have a very difficult time achieving the level of introspection required to sift through the years of psychological garbage they have created to get to the real issues underlying their sense of incompleteness. It is this failing that accounts for the problems people have with their marriages and it’s a shame that people blame the idea of marriage, rather than themselves, for their lack of wholeness.

Published in: on January 26, 2010 at 3:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Guest Post: Pillow Talk

Guest Post from the Wife

Pillow talk. I don’t mean that mushy-gushy “let’s explore our feelings” junk you see women doing in movies and on tv after sex (Do some women actually do that? No wonder men pretend to fall asleep!). I mean sharing secrets and childhood memories. Tickling and wrestling and fighting over the covers. Telling jokes and making private ones the two of you will share. And sometimes saying into the dark the things you are feeling that you can’t say when you are face to face – not because you can’t say it to the other person but because you don’t want to see the look on the other person’s face. But when you’re in your bed, with your bodies touching and your thoughts open to one another, it can be the closest you are ever going to be to someone else. (And the other person’s body warmth is a nice bonus!)

Published in: on January 25, 2010 at 2:59 am  Leave a Comment  
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Someone to keep you warm

There are some nights where no number of blankets can ward off the cold. There are some nights where no pajamas are heavy enough to temper the chill. There are some nights where only the warming presence of a loved one can possibly banish the darkness. Marriage was created for these nights.

Published in: on January 9, 2010 at 12:10 am  Leave a Comment  
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Because your life isn’t over

I think one of the reasons so many people fear marriage is because for them the term is synonymous with the idea that they are no longer able to live their lives.  It seems that many people consider marriage to be what you do after you’ve “sowed your wild oats.”  Terms such as “settle down” conjure to mind an image of a quiet life devoid of any excitement, the sort of life one would live after they’ve already accomplished all they wanted in the world.  Unfortunately, if this was the case no one would get married, for in truth no one ever accomplishes all they want.  There is always something left to be experienced.  The beauty of marriage is that you can share these experiences with someone who (in theory) shares your affinity for whatever it is you want to get out of life.  Marriage is not an end to your life (nor is it a beginning, as some would claim), it is merely a continuation of the life you have established for yourself to this point.  If you have decided that your life should be one of adventure and travel, your marriage can be an extension of that.  If you prefer a life spent reading and watching movies, your marriage can be an extension of that too.  Provided you pick the right person you will find that marriage enhances your life, rather than limits it.  Bachelorhood may provide you the freedom to do whatever you want, but marriage provides you a person with whom you can share that same freedom and together you can both experience all that you want out of life.

Published in: on January 5, 2010 at 3:29 am  Comments (3)  
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